It's OK to feel unsettled.

The Effect of Different Life Stages on Choices for Personal Development, Major Life Change and Fulfilment.

Life Stages

There has been a lot of work on this subject now - and if you need more information, try googling on Erik Erikson, Daniel Levinson, Gail Sheehy and Barrie Hopson. We can let you have detailed references if you need them.

Levinson argued that there is an incorrect assumption made about growing up and adult development in that people have assumed stability and contentment or fulfillment is the norm. In fact, psychologists now believe this is the exception rather than the rule. However, the media and people in general still hold true to stereotypical assumptions about ages and 'normal' behaviour.

The following summaries are developed from the work of the scientists noted above and also from more popular personal development research of modern years.

Uprooting (Age 16-20, leaving home, finding your feet in the world, feeling a bit lost)

We're weighing up autonomy against dependence on parents, developing how we might feel and act on our own. We test out relationships, move on from a family foundation for our social or community network to one of friends, peers or groups.

Early Adulthood (Age 20-28, experiencing career and independence, often enjoying life and gratification, rather than seeking meaningful work)

Now we really are 'out on our own'. We are likely to be thinking more seriously about settling down rather than keeping options open. We might be making some more permanent commitments to others now, casting off some less valued friends and deciding on longer term bonds. A time of exploration and often a sense of freedom.

Transition (Age 28-32, questioning own lifestyle, direction, vocation, contribution to society or the world)

This time of life can be very disturbing and unsettling for many. We question our initial career and / or relationship decisions. We may wonder why we are working in apparently non-rewarding roles and some break out and take on vocational or even voluntary work in keeping with principles. There can be dramatic changes of direction or an affirmation of decisions made. Women are reportedly more unsettled in this period than men.

Rooting (Age 32-39, accepting your lot or breaking out of your situation to follow your dreams)

After the (possible) period of transition turmoil we are likely to decide on a firm direction and become dedicated to pursuing our ambitions. More permanent commitments to love and relationships are likely, some will develop a sense of community and social responsibility during these years.

Mid-life (Age 39-45, challenging norms, self versus partnership, work versus family);

Characterised as the mid-life 'crisis' when men are traditionally out buying fast cars and motorbikes, while having affairs and being disruptive. More likely all of us are questioning our dreams and whether we have fulfilled them or can in the future. It's also now known that this mid-life stage lasts longer for women than for men. Very commonly, we can realise that we have a negative impact on relationships because we are questionning the validity of our feelings for our partner. We will often move on after recognising previous problems and the fact that we only have so much time to get things right. Our awareness of our limitations can become very clear to us. We may revisit questions of younger years about the way we live and the style of life we really do want to follow.

Restabilisation (Age 45-55, scale back ambitions, establish a real sense of self-worth)

This stage is characterised as rather lovely by the psychologists involved in the research. We probably let go of earlier over-ambitious ego images and accept ourself as worthwhile even if with 'weaknesses'. We settle into more realistic relationships based on nurturing and forgiveness. We listen more to our own inner voices rather than being susceptible to external influences and peer pressure (often only perceived in any case).

Mellowing and Renewal (Age 55-65+, stopping to smell the flowers, finding new fulfillment, enjoying second home, travel, family)

Finally, there is a lot of evidence now, that this period is the happiest of our lives. We understand mortality and accept our own and others differences and inefficiencies. When successfully addressed, we move through the change to retirement and recognise that we have some wisdom to offer others based on our learning. We are also very likely to become more accepting of others opinions. In successful relationships, couples become closer than ever previously.

So - where are you now? And what does it mean for you? Using the questionnaire below and the information above, we hope you can see if you are 'ahead of the game' or perhaps have some unresolved issues. We hope you can see that it's normal and appropriate to have a degree of unsettlement or even panic or turmoil in your life. We hope that seeing the patterns that others (generally) follow will give you strength to address your own concerns.

There is a school of thought that is more and more accepted now by counsellors, carers and the medical profession. As we progress through life, we attempt to answer questions that are thrown up at different life stages and by our own particular situations. If we cannot successfully resolve these questions, we find very often that we revisit the turmoil or discomfort of an earlier problem again in later life.

Typically, people will reconsider the questions of teenage life again in late twenties / early thirties; and if not resolved then again at the mid-life stage. If no conscious or even accidental and sub-conscious solutions are found then people can remain unfulfilled or unhappy - carrying on repeatedly confronting or perhaps worse mentally ignoring and burying the more difficult issues or problems of life. This can result in a lot of pain, difficulty, stress, anxiety or sometimes, mental health problems.

Understanding these life stage-related issues is a good step on the way to addressing them. Working with trained and experienced coaches or counsellors to use proven techniques and resolve such issues can significantly help people who are wrestling with life change decisions.

If we can help you with any of our New Meaning programmes, then that would be a very appropriate way for you to move forward. If we can not help you, we will always recommend the channel we believe is right for you. We are facilitators, coaches and trainers. We have over 35 years experience of dealing with change-related issues. But we are not psychiatrists or practicing counsellors. We will always refer you on, if you need that sort of assistance.

Life Stages Questionnaire (after Sperry, Michelson and Hunsaker)

In the following questionnaire, mark the response to each question with how you think you really are now - not how you would like them to be. Choose only one answer and then enter into the analysis table following.

  1. My main ambition or "driver" is:
    1. being recognised for my chosen profession
    2. financial security for retirement
    3. being independent and doing whatever I want
    4. accepting the shortfalls in my life
    5. trying to take my last chance fulfil my ambitions
    6. selecting the right job for me
    7. seeking my life's purpose or vocation
  2. My future is:
    1. not clear but getting more important to me
    2. an open book with all kinds of opportunities
    3. getting shorter and with less and less options
    4. not important. I am focused on the 'now'
    5. of no importance to me
    6. a time that I only dream about
    7. very limited and I haven't got much time left
  3. My main value is:
    1. safety and security
    2. being self sufficient
    3. achievement / status
    4. being independent
    5. my own identity
    6. commitment and contribution
    7. experience
  4. My personal identity is:
    1. shaped by my degree of success at work
    2. in turmoil - do I stay doing what I do now - or do I change?
    3. happily well established and I am content with that
    4. well defined and I am pleased about that
    5. associated with my family
    6. pretty well defined, but I am not totally satisfied with it
    7. apparently out of my control
  5. One of my main ambitions is:
    1. enjoying my time in the present
    2. not to be relying on my parents so much
    3. to think about what my life has meant to me and what to do with the little time I have left
    4. deciding what to do in life
    5. making enough money that I don't have to worry about money
    6. to identify what is right for me
    7. to be socially active
  6. My life is:
    1. an urgent drive to succeed
    2. not rushed, a time to share wisdom with others
    3. totally open to change, anything can happen
    4. stable, what's done is done
    5. up to me to determine and to control
    6. going past fast, there might be only one last chance to succeed
    7. not clear and full of really important decisions
  7. My relationships are:
    1. in a constant state of change as I try to find out more about myself
    2. full of me asking for acceptance of my life choices
    3. not exciting but fill a need I have for support in my career
    4. stable and consistent
    5. less intense
    6. friendly, with close friends giving support
    7. a rediscovery of previous feelings about dependency or independence
  8. My career is:
    1. conflicting with other areas of my life
    2. getting into perspective
    3. new to me, I'm just learning about work
    4. in review, I'm trying to understand what it is that I want from my career
    5. steady, I'm getting more effective at what I do
    6. coming to a close, I want to be remembered when I retire
    7. about discovering new skills

Life Stages Analysis Table

Enter the answer you selected for each question in the table below. The row with the most answers selected indicates your most characteristic current life stage.

Life Stage (approx yrs) Question
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Total
No selected
Uprooting 16-20 c f d e b c f c  
Early Adulthood
20-28		 f b f f d e b g  
Transition 28-32 g a e g f g a a  
Rooting 32-39 a g c a e a c e  
Mid Life 39-45 e c b b c f g d  
Re-stabilisation
& Flowering 45-55		 d d a c g d d b  
Mellowing
55–65+		 b e g d a b e f  

The knowledge you can gain from the answers given in this questionnaire can mean that you now know whether you are advanced or behind in life stage terms compared to your peers (or the average); whether you have significant issues hanging over from previous life stages that need to be resolved; whether you are 'normal' for your age or different - this can cause problems if you are attempting to fit the image for your age group, while wanting to act a different age.

One of the most important points to learn from this exercise, is that it can be difficult to proceed through life without resolving issues that arose in your past. This might mean you need to revisit those issues and analyse them for effects on you, on others, behaviours adapted to cope, evasion. The other main point is that there is no one steady pattern that is followed by us all. Each of us will move through the stages in our own unique pattern.